I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
