turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
