I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
