THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
