I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
