I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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