did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
