2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
