Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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