My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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