I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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