so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
