The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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