dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
