i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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