nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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