He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Randomize
