i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
