she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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