my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
