I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
