turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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