oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
