I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
