she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
