i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
