Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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