..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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