He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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