I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
