You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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