i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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