Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I need to stop coming to work sober
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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