If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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