i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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