At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
