He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
