does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
