Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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