Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
