did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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