so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
