Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
