and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
