I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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