guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila