Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
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Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
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About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?