need another drink. this is the easiest way
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?