There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
