Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
