Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
