is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
