he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
