I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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