Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
