Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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