Screwed.edu
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
