You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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