Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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