im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
