No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
from now on my penis is your penis
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
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dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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