Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.