you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
