I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
