My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
